Final Thoughts On Madonna And Mariah: Will Someone Screw These Two Old Broads Already?
First up, I'm not going to review their albums. Madge's Hard Candy and Mimi's E=MC² have gotten far more thought-out write-ups than anything I'd ever have the patience to come up with. I don't form a true opinion of a record until way after the fact, anyway.
Two of my favorite albums of all time are R.E.M.'s Monster and Madonna's Bedtime Stories, which I played over and over and still like to listen to -- but which are derided by hardcore fans. So what the hell do I know? Plus, album reviews are so subjective, and so, ultimately, what the hell does anyone know?
That said, this much is true: Madge and Mimi are still horny as shit in their new songs, singing about doing YouTube f*** videos and tasting raw candy. And it's no wonder! These two old vultures have been surrounded by gay men for so many decades, they forgot what it's like to have some big, gruff hetero guy give them hot bed slam. And now Madge -- look at her! As I said elsewhere yesterday, she looks like the Hooker Of Dorian Gray. She's tired of mincing yes-queens buzzing around her dried-up hive, and now she's gotta dress like a wonk-faced, three-dollar Old West saloon rat to try to get any straight guy's attention at this point. May your vagina see one last scrap of hetero meat before you retire, Macougar.
There are songs I like from each of these albums (Mariah's "For The Record" and, yes, "Touch My Body," and Madge's "Dance 2Night," which is killer old-school) and songs which completely chew (Madge: "Spanish Lessons," Mariah: whatever that one about the last kiss is called). At the end of the day it's just pop music, though, and we'll tire of some songs we thought we loved, and learn to appreciate others more.
Or, in the end, maybe we'll just file them away and sigh, Well, there's always the next album.
FINAL NOTE: Slate did a great write-up on Mariah today called "Bigger Than Elvis: Why The Haters Are Wrong About Mariah Carey."